Ash

Tuesday is election day and I'm feeling bummed.

I don't really like where the Democrats are going because it kind of seems like they don't really have political balls. They get a good idea but then they get all timid with it even though they know they are going to have to pass it all by themselves.

Really not happy with the Republicans because they seem like spoiled children blocking everything if they can't have it exactly their way. It's like they lost an election and have been having a two year hissy fit. Ugh, and this bullshit about listening to America, yea if you are wealthy, white, and conservative but screw what you want if you are not.

Both parties seem caught up in generalization and wishful thinking instead of being able to say this is what I will do to achieve the following goals.

Just feels like I'm voting for children instead of adults who might actually get something done. Kind of sad but the only thing I look forward to on Tuesday is if California can pull us out of the dark ages about weed. Insanely silly you can drink and that's okay but few tokes on a bong and you are just the worst sort of person who needs to be locked away.

It's kind of funny. Years ago I used to work my butt off for the local kink group. Set up socials, built equipment, hell I was even crazy enough to be on the board at one point and all that driving just to go to the board meetings.

Now it's the big Halloween party and I just didn't feel like going at all. It used to be that Halloween was the single biggest event of the entire group for the year. Friends you hadn't seen in a very long time would even show up because Halloween was the event of events. But with all the damn drama I just don't want to attend anything. It's not that there aren't people I still like because I suffer from a mental defect that makes me like just about everyone. But some of the bull shit that infected the group is like a poison you will be exposed to just by showing up.

Gods I know there have been rough times but even in the dark days I still felt like there was something to keep struggling for. I guess I've just given up and willing to walk away from all the blood sweet and tears I put in just for other people to ruin things with their childish behavior. When bi-laws are used as weapon and you only talk to people on your team then the group has just gone to hell.

It's not that I'm not still a kinky little bugger, but I just feel like Frolicon is the place for me to be kinky since I don't have to worry about stepping on the wrong toes there. Well okay mostly not stepping on toes because it's amazing the drama that comes up around gay friends and how they can't understand that I don't understand because I'm bi not straight or gay.

I had gotten several weeks without dealing with the crackhead down the road so there was a part of me that got thinking hey maybe I've gotten lucky and he's moved, been thrown in prison or died.

But as I was about to put up some outdoor Halloween decorations I spotted him walking down the road but he did not spot me. First he walked over to my cousins house across the road but when he couldn't get what he wanted there he knocked on my door a few times and went on so I figured okay I got lucky that time because he gave up quickly. Perhaps it's gotten into his drugged mind that I don't want to risk my life or trouble with the cops just so he can go get high.

About 8:30 he came back knocking on my door and windows. Just begging and shit but I had the TV volume up so I couldn't hear what he was saying exactly but I could still tell it was begging and attempting to put a guilt trip on me. Like I should somehow be responsible for him being able to smoke crack. Like it's some kind of honor for me to have to go out into the night to a dangerous place and then never see the gas money he promised when he was wanting a hit so bad.

Gods damn crackheads are such pathetic creatures. Begging at people's doors because they want their drugs to get away from life. I know I'm not exactly the world's greatest or happiest person but if I ever get like a damn crackhead for the love of whatever you worship please but a fucking bullet in my head and put me out of your misery.

Tough facing off against the dental fear, but it seems like one of those things that you have to face one or the other so perhaps this isn't as bad as having everything removed since you'd be in a hell of a lot of pain to get it all removed.

Perhaps it was just luck but this time I really didn't even feel the shot. Once things had numbed up nicely it was sort of the sound, the smell and feeling some pressure. Nothing though that I couldn't manage to meditate my way around. Honestly the fear going in seemed far worse than anything actually done in the chair.

Bad part is I have to buck up and face the fear again next month but at least I've got a full month before I have to brave up again. Plus it would be really hard to afford the out of pocket not covered by insurance without spacing things out a good bit. Too damn bad that dental insurance isn't as good as medical insurance, but Americans have this strange idea that somehow your teeth aren't important like the rest of your body.

Saturday I ended up sick because grandpa had scared me so bad Friday. If you are in your 80's and had two previous heart attacks going on about chest pains just because you don't like where we were eating is not cool. With my nerves shot so bad already it was nerve shattering to be there wondering if we needed to rush to the hospital or not. On top of that he almost threw up because they don't eat like they should.

So I'm sick my nerves are shot so I figured I'd stay in because nothing could go wrong staying in could it? Oh no. Ended up with something nasty on the computer that system restore couldn't even get rid of. One of those nasty things that hides so you can't just delete the offending program. So I had to back up some pictures and songs because I was going to have to totally wipe the entire system and install from a full version CD.

Then the copy of Clash of the Titans I got from Netflix was defective and would only play half of the movie. Ugh and the rental copy doesn't even have a chapter select so you have to fast forward after attempting a fix. Cleaning did not work so I didn't even get to torment Chewy with "Release the Kracken!"

Maybe today will go better because Tuesday I have to dread getting a tooth filled. Trying Red Box for the first time because I don't want to send off the movie and then have to wait for a better copy now that I've seen half of Clash of the Titans.

Managed to actually sleep last night without the nightmares.

The news from the dentist wasn't what you would call great. I've got several teeth that need to be filled and some of the filling in is because I just can't afford crowns right now between bad insurance and an overly tight budget.

Still compared to all the stuff I was fearing to only have to deal with fillings for now was some of the best news ever. As bad as fillings are they are nowhere near as bad as that one tooth with the "extraction". Yea the shot is kind of bad and the sounds are really scary, but it's stuff I've faced before and gotten over in a few days. That one trip though it took me months to get over.

Given the choice though of not sleeping or facing a fear it's better to just face the fear. Kind of like on Batman the Animated Series where they asked the question of "what is a good night's sleep worth"? Guess it doesn't hurt that I've somehow worked out a bond of trust with the dentist because he understands that some people have the irrational fear and I'm just not made out of money.

Been forever since I posted anything but this is the spot that will let me ramble a bit with my thoughts and my thoughts are have been so bad lately that I need get some things out.

A few months back I payed off the last that I owed the dentist and I really didn't think anything else about my teeth. I know I need more work done but it seemed like something that could wait until I got the crushing debt management off of me some time in the spring. My dental insurance at work is pretty bad so there is a still a good bit of out of pocket that has to come out of a budget with no real wiggle room.

But then one of the guys I work with had to go get his top teeth cut out. Damn it's bad enough that he missed an entire week of work and it will take almost a month for his mouth to heal enough to get false teeth for the top. No idea how his bottom teeth managed to stay good enough. Any way the point is with all his calling in and the updates on how he's healing it tapped into my fear of anything being done to my mouth.

It's kind of like my imagination has gone wild and every little thing I feel in my mouth is leading to the paranoia of it's something that's going to need something really bad. Last time I could not afford both the root canal and the crown so I lost the tooth anyway. But if I just had the tooth pulled in the first place I think it would have came out easier than pulled like it was. For weeks afterward I'd wake up from nightmares just shaking and crying about it.

I've had nightmares all weekend and I've been so paranoid about my teeth that eating far less than I normally do. I can't go on like that and I can't really off myself so I've had to bite the bullet for a dental appointment on Tuesday. I'll have to miss a few hours of work to make it, but darn I can't work off of no sleep and no food so it's the best of a bad situation.

Work has been thrown in a bit of a loop lately. It's been just two of us on second shift all week because our third guy got hit by a car while on his scooter. We don't know how he managed to get lucky enough not to have broken anything, but still he's so bruised up it remains a big question mark as to if he will be able to work Monday or not. Then we have the guy on first shift who took his test for the military. If he does join the Army then we would be down to just three people on first shift. Not sure if we get too low on people if they will hire more people or just try to consolidate everything into just one shift.

I had thought about going to Capex but my grandparents called and sort of FUBARed my Saturday plans. Granny had a doctor's appointment for Friday and instead of just letting me have a weekend off from them the grandparents will annoy the hell out of me on Saturday.

I've also got the joy of cutting out my one soda a day. Watched a report on what soda does to your body and most of it I wasn't too worried about but then they said researchers think that part of the bad of soda goes directly to making belly fat. Belly fat is my last really big hurtle into looking in pretty good shape so I guess it's so long soda. With me getting older it's just a stronger pull to do whatever it takes to look sexy. But on the bright side considering the number of guys my age who let themselves go the odds of me being sexy for my age go up every year, even if it's only being the sexiest man at the retirement home gods damn it one of these days I'm going to be something people go after.

It's very rare that the title of a film actually describes the film but it turns out that Kick Ass really does kick ass.

Comic book movies have been hit or miss because film makers often have so much trouble translating a comic book or a toy line into a solid film. Kick Ass manages to find that way actually manage a really good film out of it.

Can't talk about it much because I'm dead tired and you really don't want to spoil things for you with spoilers. I mean it's one of those films good enough to own on DVD on of these day and to watch over and over, but you still don't want your first time ruined because someone said too much.

I must warn you my friends this may be too cute for your own good.